Chapter 7
Nightfalls, Mai opened the window and straddled the sill, watching the clear sky boasting its glittering embroidery. She commented on how she saw a thunderstorm in the distance back when they drove by the wildlife park. Carlos was embracing her, arms wrapped around her breasts. She said that it should be raining soon. A small orange light fluttered on her features. Mai exhaled another cloud of smoke.
When they undressed and got in bed, Carlos felt sore all over his body, yet his heart stirred for intimacy and comfort; there was no sleep. He noticed that his girlfriend wasn’t sleeping either. She was looking outside, respiring tensely. The curves of her cupid's bow shone the sharpest, yet it was the way light scattered on her pointed face and nude shoulders that caught the most of his attention. Slithering in next to her, he found her form beneath the blanket, lithe-limbed but also supple in femininity. His hungry palms searched her curvatures and landmarks. When her unmistakable gyrations had begun, he slipped a hand into her panties, yet she squirmed in great resistance and pushed him away. Like a wounded doe, she whispered half pleadingly,
“No, Split, not tonight.”
“Baby, how come you’re already so wet?”
“Because I can’t fucking help it, OK? Please, I just want to get some rest,” gone was the doe.
“Alright, alright, sorry,” Carlos went back to his side of the bed and adjusted the erection so that it didn’t hurt him so bad. Looking over, he saw that Mai had her back to him. His exhaustion was greater than his frustration, so he slept, dreamlessly.
...
When the sunlight was still not quite white, but rather yellow, the hotel was already serving buttered toast with omelettes over tea. This was the establishment’s only included meal. They would stop service ridiculously early, so the young couple had to make their way down to the common room in a disheveled state. Carlos asked for coffee, but they didn’t have any, much to his surprise. Last night’s sleep did succeed in some small ways to delay his total body collapse, but it was definitely a stretch to call it restful. He cradled his head on the table, in folded arms, wallowing in sleepiness and the nervousness of actually finding out what destination awaited him; the destination which Mai found it so hard to simply tell him. Compensating for lost energy, he wolfed down on his breakfast and used up three packs of Irish breakfast tea. Mai absentmindedly sipped on her camomile tea, occasionally placing tiny bits of egg white in her mouth. Other than that, she didn’t eat much.
Mai asked Carlos to finish her leftovers, and she stepped outside to have a smoke. It didn’t take him much time at all to devour the rest. Leaning back, satisfied, he noticed for the first time that the wood salt and pepper shakers were sculpted in the image of a wolf and a sheep. At first, he smiled, but then he brooded. There was an gnawing impulse to be around Mai; from what motive, he couldn’t say. Carlos stepped out of the inn and into the blinding red and orange outside. Leaves cracked loudly underfoot. The girl had tied the black denim jacket around her waist, leaning against a painted wood column next to one of those aluminum boxes that printed, “designated smoking area”. She kicked up dead foliage after each inhalations.
He searched his pocket for his own cigarettes but realized that the last pack was empty, resting in the dust bin outside that eatery. He didn’t want to bother Mai this time because she was talking on her phone. She threw away the spent butt and nodded to Carlos in acknowledgement. Seeing her draped over in a yellow veil of sunlight, he couldn’t help but hurry to her with an instinctive smile. She returned a smile, between her “uh huh” and “yes”. Their hands found each other, and her thumb caressed his skin in circles.
When Mai got off the phone, she looked at her boyfriend and tilted her head, “this way”. They started walking in the morning sun and breeze, eyes still fixed on each other. That faint smile was still on her lips, but her eyes drifted behind him, unfocused. She brushed a black strand from her eye, the way she would when intent on saying something. Securing it behind her ear, her fingers lingered as if hesitant to say that something.
“I was in the wrong last night,” Carlos finally broke the silence.
“Oh, uh, it’s not a big deal, Split. I just wasn’t in the mood.”
“Thought I could help you sleep better,”
“Heh, don’t joke. I feel shit about it, though. We haven’t seen each other in, like, weeks! This goddamn funeral really puts us in a dry spell. Remember that one summer where I went back to Vietnam? When we met again, we stayed in bed for the whole day, just sex. This time, though? I had you spend a whole day next to me without so much as a kiss.”
“Pretty sure that there was a kiss here and there. Besides, you don’t owe me anything. I’m here for you, pro bono. You’re going through a lot, and sex is probably the last thing on your mind.”
“You know I wanted to, right?”
“Maybe.”
“To be honest, I didn’t. Not really. But it was so crazy down there that I couldn’t sleep. I laid there and felt like I was melting. I was so horny; I thought I was going crazy! I couldn’t even tell you why to save my life, though.”
“Then why didn’t you, you know, do it last night?”
“I don’t know. I couldn’t move, like a kind of ‘voluntary’ sleep paralysis, yeah? When you started touching me, I was like, ‘Thank fucking god! Finally, some relief.’ But then, I realized that I had to actually, well, fuck. I don’t know why I can’t stand being touched anymore. I mean, holding hands like this is fine. But that? Oh no. It’s kinda like, if we get too close, you might see how shit I am inside right now, and I don’t want anyone to see me like that. You, especially. But I was so goddamned horny, but it was definitely not a sex thing! Sorry if it’s all so confusing. See? It’s the dam breaking. My head is still not right,” her voice began to tremble, and she took her hand away from his.
“Do you think it’s because of her?”
“Do I think? I know for a fact that it’s because of her,” Mai wiped away her hair in frustration. “God! I make it sound like she molested me or something, and now I’m sexually broken or some dumb shit.”
“Come on, you know it’s not like that.”
“Well, please tell me what’s wrong with me! Because I sure as hell don’t know,” she was on the verge of screaming by now. An uncomfortable silence drifted in between the two. There was only the crisp sound of dried leaves being stepped upon, distant bird songs, and the occasional local who walked their dogs. Carlos had let things cool down before saying,
“You know, Mai, ever since she passed away, we haven’t talked at all. Your head has been a black box to me. This is the first time we talk about you.”
“And this one time doesn’t even make any sense,” Mai hugged herself tight as if a chill wind had blown by. “I’m so sorry,” she murmured. It was, by all account, an unusually warm morning. Carlos wanted to say how this was better than nothing, but he didn’t really feel it in his guts.
